I cannot do this anymore...I feel sick more then I feel healthy, I feel tired more then I feel awake, I hurt more then I dont, my body is telling me it cannot function like this anymore. It is failing me. I feel like I imagine a 90 yr old feels. I am miserable more then I am not. This is no way to live and function, to just exist in this type of misery. It is hard to walk, hard to breathe, hard to sleep, hard to just be....why do I let this addiction rule my life.....rule my body and take me away from my family and friends? What is going to be the final straw, is my body going to kill me 1st or am I going to make a drastic change to save my life?

Why?

Why do I time and time again eat so much that I feel sick for the next 5 hrs because my stomach is filled so high???? You think I would learn but nope.

Enough Said

Chalk it up to failure

So today is/was a bad day. I set out to get back on track with my diet and like all the other 1000 times I failed...and so then I hate myself for it...the failure line gets in my head and I cant get it out and then it is just a downward spiral in life. It affects anything and everything that I do in my day to day life. I need to find a way to change this fact and this negative behavior, but I just dont know how. It is like I am standing at the bottom of a huge hole with no way out and I know that I will die here. Many days, I feel all alone...it seems like I am always making someone upset or unhappy. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming I dont know what to do....many times all of this makes me turn to food. IT is a comfort, a friend that is always there for me...it is like a great drug...then of course when I eat to much, it is a horrible sick feeling but that doesnt stop me from doing it again. It is my rock and a solid companion in my life. If I am to remain in this world, I cannot go on like this. I am over 320 lbs and miserable. I often wonder at what wake up call will this all stop? What is it going to take for me to get serious...diabetes, heart attack, stroke....all of this is a real possibility but of course everyone thinks it wont happen to them until it is too late.....I know it will soon be too late for me if things dont change.

Pretty Sad

Looking back it is a pretty sad thing that my first and only post that I wrote on this was almost a year ago. Let's just say that not much weight wise has changed and that is the bad part. I thought by now I would have been on a yr long journey. Sure I have had some starts, only to end just as quick. For some reason lately I have been thinking about things that people who have never had a weight problem take forgranted in their day to to day life and so I decided I should write about the ones that come to mind. The order is totally random.
1. Being able to go on a ride at an amusement park and not having to wonder if you will fit.
2. Being able to drive a car without you touching the steering wheel with your stomach.
3. Not feeling your stomach on your thighs when you sit down.
4. Being able to jump on a trampoline.
5. Being able to go to any store and buy clothes off the rack.
6. Getting a rash from too much moisture under the rolls.
7. Being able to fit in any and all chairs no matter where you are.
8. Not having to worry that something is going to break under your weight.
9. No feeling like everyone is looking at how big you are.
10. Being able to buckle your seatbelt in an airplane without having to ask for an extension.

Now I know that there is a lot more that I wanted to mention that I just cant think of right now, but when I do, I will be sure to write them down.

The start of a new journey

I decided that I wanted to blog about me, about my weight and struggles with it. If you have found this page and it interests you, then let me know. I know that those if us that are overweight all have had these issues, some just don't talk about it. We are not alone in our daily struggles with weight, food, health, and judgement from others and our self.

I will start by telling you a little about myself. I am almost 30 yrs old, weigh 315 lbs and have been struggling with my weight my entire life. Looking back, I don't remember a time that I wasn't heavy. As I entered Jr High, I was teased. No one would let me sit with them on the bus, and I was the last stop so it was always a battle. That was just the beginning. Being heavy, means that you never really feel like you fit in. You get judged and looked at like you are gross. I do believe that is an addiction. I know that I am addicted to food. I have tried all the diets and pills out there, sure some work great, only to come back on later plus some. I have now decided that I am going to take the life changing step of lap band surgery. My body is telling me that it won't be able to take this much longer. I hurt, am stiff, and have no energy to enjoy my kids. I am very lucky to not have any serious medical problems due to my weight and I want to stop that from happening before it is too late. I hope you will join me on this struggle and journey to my healthy body.